


just dump my body in the lake

by elijahking (orphan_account)



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alcoholism, Depression, POV, Suicidal Thoughts, human!AU, lots and lots of angst, rated t for these things but i might increase that later because shit gets fucking deep, somewhat personal, written while drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-05
Updated: 2015-11-05
Packaged: 2018-04-30 03:28:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5148605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/elijahking
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dr. Gaster is filled with regret, bad whiskey, and oatmeal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	just dump my body in the lake

**Author's Note:**

> i rlly love toddnet's human!au of undertale and i can't stop thinking about gaster sitting in a tub fully clothed drinking bad whiskey because that is exactly what i am doing right now  
> this is mostly a stream of consciousness as i get drunk, replacing real life names of friends with names of characters. excuse bad spelling, it's gonna get worse at it goes on
> 
> sidenote, i'm probably going to delete this sometime soon. i hope you all can forgive me

I'm so overwhelmed. What am I even doing here? Look at all the things I've done. My hands are broken glass.

I-I used to live in this house. Now I just sort of exist. Do I even really exist? God damn, I need a drink.  
..  
wait.  
I have one.  
I popped the cork out of the bottle and took a swig. The feeling of the alcohol running down my throat burned, but, hah, god. What's even the point. My family hates me, my friends hate me, the world hates me. I could drink myself to death in this tub and no one would notice! I'm sure Sans would be happy.

God, all I want to do is make that kid happy. It's so hard. I messed up so bad. I should have done better. I could have done better.

_glug._

I bet... i bet even papyrus hates me. Asgore. Undyne. The whole lot of 'em. I'm so hungry for attention, for validation. Did I do good? Did I do okay? Am I okay? Am I loved?  
No, probably not. 

"Hey, Gaster."

I internally cringed whenever Sans talked to me.

"You gonna wake up anytime soon?"

"No," I croaked. I woke up this morning full of grace, apparently.

"Great, good to know, uh, so, you are cordially invited to this, _your life,_ at any time you get the nerve to show up," he sneered through the bedroom door.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, I'm sorry, Sans, my son, my beloved son, I'm so sorry I hurt you this way. It's meaningless, I guess, but you're wondefrul and you deserve the best of lives filled with better people thanme.

And maybe you won't believe me! I'm sorry! I'm filled with hate for what I did. Forget about me. Sometimes I'm afraid you already have. it's an easy thing to do i guess.

_swig._

I... i gotta control myself. I have to ontrol myself. i will contro lmyself.i have no control im not a machine im not a machine im sorry for building tha tmachine it's broken, i'm broken, i'm sorry, i destroyed everything we had that was good

_Knock, knock_

"Dad...?"

Papyrus.

"Are... you okay?"

god, no, i'm so far from it, this is life, this is my god awful shit life and i'm done, i'm so done, papyrus, i'm so done. i want to go, i want to rid myself of all my selfishness, my ambitions, to destroy all that is flesh and skin an dbone down to my very soul. the root of all human suffering: me, dr. wing dings gaster. congratulations, you selfish fucking prick.

"Dad! Please, say something!"

you know, papyrus? i don't think i can. 

_sip_

"Dad?" He was trying the doorknob. Locked. sorry, bub. "come on i don't want to break in."

"...'m okay."

"Oh, thank goodness," he sighed in relief. "dad please, come out, i can't stand to see you like this."

 

i just laughed and laughed and laughed, drinking when the laughs calmed down. i could feel my sins crawling on my back, itching their way into my spine, seeping out of my face. i wanted to claw it all away. so many scars, so many. you don't know, papyrus, you don't know, you haven't seen, you won't see. 

am i human? is the flesh i live in really real? is any of this real? how can i be sure i'm not dead? what's my grounding point??

"DAD!!"

"i'm busy," i mumbled just loud enough for him to hear. i moved around a bit. the cold water felt nice, the way it weighed me down. drown me. just dump my body in the lake. 

"...please," he begged. "dad, i love you, don't.. don't do this to us."

"what us?!" I barked another laugh.

"me. you. sans. us," he seemed to be sobbing. i grimaced.

"he doesn't love me. i fucked up, man, i fucked up so royally, you... you don't een know." i sank further into the tub. i'm pretty sure that at that point my drink was at least half bath water.

"he does. he just shows it in weird ways. he's just... i guess, mad at you, but it's not your fault. you couldn't help it. dad, please, you might think that no one is there for you but there is, I'm here, i'm always here." there was a sound of sliding against the door, he must have slumped up against it. "It's not your fault the accident happened."

"...it is though."

"no, it's not! it's not..."

god, papyrus, you don't even know, if i hadn't... if i hadn't done the things i did... you are everything to me but you're not the only everything. i've been screwing myself over from the start. i fucked myself over from birth to... well, now i gues, not death. im alive. jesus cufing crist im alive

"Papyrus?" _Sans_

"oh.. hey, uh, i,"

"why are you... crying in front of the bathroom?"

"...dad... is..."

"oh."

"you don't really hate him, do you?"

silence.

drink.

more silence.  
more drinking.  
i don't know who i am anymore  
i look into my past and see no great triumph, no great reveal, just some 40-year-old loser who screams out for help  
but nobody came  
sure, whatever you need, i say, or my hands say, i'm not so great at hearing anymore, i only seem to hear what i want to hear, or as the doctors say, you should get an implant so you dont' have to deal with this well fuck off, i say, im perfectly fucking fine i dont need to hear i'm better off not hearing the hate people say about me anyway

"....i do."

shit.

"but why? it... it wasn't his fault..."

"he left us alone, he... just... it's like he disappeared, okay? i... you were so young, pap. you're so optomistic"

"sans..."

"you don't have a bad bone in your body, bro."

"can you at least try to forgive him?"

no.  
"No."

no oen shoud forgive me. im trash, i'm shit, i'm an alcoholic father who cant even give my children another proper parental figure, god fucking dan it. i madesans grow up too fast, hes too adult i screwed up sofucking bad. i look at myself in the mirror, from this tub, whiskey hanging loosely from my hand, and, i, i see, someone, who, who fucking  
dies a little more every fucking god damn day, who wantst hings to work out so basdly he says sure okay whatever you need but god  
i feel so empty insid  
its so hard to drag on like this

"But why?"

he won't be able to say anything. i know, i tried, i treid so much. 

sometimes i wish i was devoid of all emotion, like, like a robot. robots dont need bathroom.s.

everything is so blurry i can't remember i cant forget i jus  
let me die here.  
god, please. i've failed my family so much. i've failed my friends, my cowoerkers. and, above all, i've faile dmyself.

"dad?"

he's gone, i know it. i'm gone.

"can i come in, please?"

"...sure, kid." i uneasily lifted myself out of the tub, only to slip back in again. 

"okay, no, i'm gonna have sans pick the lock for me."

"what?!"

i guess he was still there.

"please... even if you don't care.. i do.. please?"

"...only for you, bro."

_click._

 

 

papyrus came in.

alone.

my son. my dearest son. warm arms, draped over my head.

"please get out, dad."

i shrugged, lifting th ebottle to my lps.

"stop that." he removed it.

...

"why does he hate me? i... i tried."

"it's not your fault."

"...isn't it?"

"... everyone was hurt by it. there were a lot of things that led up to it, but that doesn't mean it was entirely your fault dad."

"...guess so."

**Author's Note:**

> back in june i was hospitalized because i attempted suicide. please, don't... don't become like me and bottle it all up, don't drown yourself in your emotions. talk to someone. send me a message. i'm here. i'm always here. i'll always be here, even if i really don't fucking want to be. god, please, talk to me. i want to help. i want to be your friend.  
> if you feel suicidal, even a little, please call your countries suicide hotline, call a friend, call your family if you're close to them. don't be like me. don't self destruct. i love you. someone cares about you. always. okay?


End file.
